Had a bit of a crisis of faith recently. As many of you know, I am an old man compared to a lot of the folks that I talk with online (38 later this week). As many also know, I am a married old man. My wife has had some health problems since before we got married (back in 1990) about which I can’t do a darn thing. I have had to deal with not getting royally miffed at God for allowing this stuff to happen in the first place, and not making it go away in the second place. It has not been an easy road, even if it sounds totally illogical and childish to be mad at God. But, if Luther confessed to sometimes hating God, I guess I am in good company.

The thing that really threw me for a loop the other day was this. My wife has a chance to see a doctor who may very well be able to clear up some of her problems in a matter of days. However, she was conflicted about seeing this guy for a number of reasons (none of which I am at liberty to get into, but would probably bore you to tears, anyway). To me, this whole thing seemed like a slam dunk — wife is ill, wife gets well, no animals were harmed in this production. When she revealed the conflicts she had, I had to do my best not to be really angry. I mean, if someone is taking action that precludes her being well, that is (essentially) an attack on her. I tend to get mad at people who attack my wife. (I’m weird that way)

Even with trying to work on all this and give it over to God, it is still extremely frustrating to not be able to help someone you love, especially when you see it as your duty. (And here’s where it started falling apart…..)

All my life I have understood that a husband is to be protector and provider for his wife (and children, if applicable). And yes, it is my duty to work, earn money, and put a roof over her head. And yes, if someone tries to break into the house, I’m not sending her out to the living room to investigate the noise.

But then there is Jehovah Jireh (God is my provider) and Jehovah Rohi (God is my shepherd, i.e. protector), not to mention Jehovah Rapha (God is my healer).

This really seems to be in conflict with the idea of a husband being protector and provider. So, is that concept just so much Western male bovine excrement?

Yes and no.

There seem to be 4 ways to interpret this concept. I was in category 3, but am finally starting to get into category 4 (the right one) instead.

1) Those who blatantly don’t believe in God’s intervention in our lives, but believe the idea of a husband being protector and provider. For them, there is no psychological conflict, at least until a situation comes along that man cannot rectify. Then who knows what they do?

2) Those who pay lip service to God’s intervention in our lives, but don’t really believe it. They’re essentially in the same boat as those in category 1.

3) Those who do believe in God’s intervention in our lives, see Him as the ultimate Provider and Protector, but see the husband as the one whom God delegated to perform this task on earth.

This idea is, in a short-but-frank word, crazy. And if you buy into it, you eventually will be, too.

If you subscribe to this idea, the first time that your wife is not protected or provided for, you have failed. You’re worthless, pond scum, a maggot, 38 other drill sergeant insults, and might as well make Beck’s “Loser” your official theme song.

This is where I was for a loooooooooooooooong time. (Try to avoid this — it really stinks)

Finally, I am getting to category 4.

4) Those who do believe in God’s intervention in our lives, see Him as the ultimate Provider and Protector, and see the husband as nothing more than God’s instrument to provide and protect the wife.

Now, this may seem like semantics at first blush, but delegate and instrument are miles apart. If you are God’s delegate, the responsibility lies with you. If you are God’s instrument, the responsibility lies with Him.

Of course, this belief requires care that you don’t fall into the afore-mentioned anger at God when things don’t go the way you think they ought. But at least for me, it is easier to give over to God the idea of not always understanding His plans (duh), than to try to deal with the concept of being a total loser, with no value whatsoever. Honestly, if I really have no value, God is a liar. And if God is a liar, then everything I believe falls like a house of cards. And that would leave me with no reason to stay on this planet. Thankfully, such is not the case.

Hopefully, this will help someone else shorten their goofed-up-ness to less than the 15 years it took me to get it.